Parents can help prevent violence

With National Domestic Violence Awareness Month coming to close in a week, I felt compelled to share some ideas on how the average parent can impact violence in our country. Whether it is teen dating violence or bullying, it is important to realize we are not powerless in this situation. There are things we can do to help prevent this problem. I have listed below the top ways the average parent can have an impact.


Get Educated. Gather information about teen dating violence and bullying. Learn the details of how it affects those targeted by it. For instance, a target of abuse or bullying may lose self-confidence and self-esteem. They also may doubt their worth and their ability to make decisions. Understanding these facts will help you be supportive if the situation arises in your child’s life.

Talk to your kids. Keeping the lines of communication open with your children and teens is an important step to staying involved with their lives. Ask open-ended questions and use phrases such as “what would you like to see happen” and "what do you think?" As difficult or embarrassing as it might be, start important discussions with your children—about violence, smoking, drugs, sex, drinking and death. Don't let conversations with peers at school be your child’s only source of information.

Know when to intervene. If you recognize even small changes in your child’s behavior, it could be an early warning sign that something is troubling him or her. These changes could include withdrawal from friends, decline in grades, abruptly quitting sports or clubs your child had previously enjoyed, sleep disruptions, eating problems, lying, and physical complaints like stomachaches or headaches. And remember, you don't have to deal with problems alone—the most effective plans involve the parent, a school professional (like a guidance counselor), and others working together.

Stay involved in your child's school. This demonstrates that you believe education is important and that you want your children to do their best in school by being involved in their education. Get to know your child's teachers and help them get to know you and your child. Stay informed of school events, class projects, and homework assignments and volunteer to assist with school functions when possible.

Talk to the decision-makers. In Ohio, House Bill 19 was passed in 2010 requiring every school to provide education on dating violence to students in grades 7 through 12. If you have a child this age, talk to your principal or school board member to ensure that they are implementing this important legislation. In states where this legislation has not been passed, write a letter to your local representatives encouraging them to consider it.

Dear Bully...

Seventy YA authors have shared their stories to create a compelling look inside the pervasive issue of bullying in the book Dear Bully by Megan Kelley Hall and Carrie Jones. Set to release this month, this book is the ideal conversation starter for parents, teachers, pastors and counselors. And most importantly, kids can relate. So move this book to the top of your "to read" pile. And if you don't want to take my word for it, check out this Goodreads review by Paul W. Hankins....

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/194176433?utm_medium=facebook_feed&utm_source=facebook.com&ref=nf

Seventy authors share their experiences with bullying while students in school. First things first, I want to thank every single YA author who contributed to this collection. Secondarily, I am especially grateful to the twenty authors found in this collection who have been a part of RAW INK Online or have interacted in some way with my students in the past few years.



This collection is so important and it couldn’t come at a better time. This book should be in every administrator’s office (their predecessor’s failing to address this issue is a common thread woven through the experiences shaed), every media specialist’s office, every counselor’s office, and in the classroom libraries of every teacher works with these students who stories have not been told. . .yet. Here is the catalyst for discussion. Here are the authors saying, “It happened to me too. . .tell me your story.”


So much more than a Chicken Soup for the Soul kind of collection, each story found within is like salve for the wound. Bullying hurts, from the localized hurt of the wound to the lasting hurt of the scar left behind. We have to start with where it hurts–by talking openly and honestly about this problem–and in time we can affect the whole. This flies in the face of conventional wisdom (?) that says, “Oh this will get better with time” or “someday you’ll look back at this and laugh.” We wouldn’t say such ludicrous things to accident victims or those in trauma. But what we see most often are administrators and policy makers tying the tourniquet and marking the victim’s forehead with a T, not for “terminal” as there seems to be this collective denial that bullying has long term effect, but with a T for time (our victims can “get over” this). It’s time to address the needs of these kids. How many tragic losses will it take before we stand up and say, “This bears as much of our attention as any conflated standard we could create.” We need to create citizens not kids who can conjugate. Dear Bully allows us to look into the problem from the gallery. If it is to get better–like any other life-threatening scenario, the time must be now. This is basic assessment. . .this is triage. . .this is important.


Ellen Hopkins’ introduction to the book should be of no surprise to readers who work with kids, but when you know the extended story behind her son, Orion, you feel every bit of hurt with Ellen and this very special young man.


Dear Bully has been carefully collected, archived, and rendered. I have been wanting to see this book since Megan Kelley Hall first started talking about the idea at Facebook (where I friend her). There is an author that will be familiar to readers who work with children of every age group, from Jon Sciezka’s “Stench” and Mo Willems’ “Bullies for Me” (a delightfully poignant and summarily triumphant cartoon panel in which Willems becomes a canine character–priceless) to Lisa McMann’s BFFBOTT.COM,Lisa Yee’s “Regret” and R. L. Stine’s “The Funny Guy” to some of YA’s biggest names today, Jo Knowles’ “Kicking Stones at the Sun” and A. S. King’s The Boy Who Won’t Leave Me Alone” there is something for the elementary teacher, the middle school teacher, and the secondary teacher–and the media specialists that assist all of these age groups to pair a story with an author the students may be reading.

The collection is sectioned to allow the authors to share from their experiences, their regrets, their insights, and their opportunity to write back to bullies and to the victims of bullying everywhere. Further, the multi-genre approach taken by each of the authors communicates in a very quiet way that there are multiple ways of telling our stories and no one way is the best way or only way to do it. This makes Dear Bully Writer Workshop-ready as a genre study as much as a means for providing powerful mentor texts in preparation of drafting a personal narrative.

I am going to be bold in this review. There are so many schools that have an “anti-bullying” policy in place. They are nice. . .but like any initiative or program untended, they are failing. Kids are still hurting. Your intentions were good, but they were not good enough. The school that earnestly undertakes the problem of bullying in the hallways would make this book a part of its communications with parents and would read selections from the book as a means of sharing powerful anecdotes from familiar names/faces from the students’ reading. I’d really love to see some of the authors create video testimonials from Dear Bully to share as a kick-off to beginning of the year school programs. And even further, it may be time for administrators, librarians, and teachers to begin telling their own stories of bullying.

I have this collection dog-eared already for when we share Chris Crutcher’s short story, A Brief Moment in the Life of Angus Bethune and share the film adaptation, Angus. We might be able to use some of these narratives to open up the channels of discussion. I am noted for quoting George Ella Lyon time and time again, but she said it so wonderfully one time, “Who are we but our stories?” These seventy authors have chosen to share “Where [They're] From” and the place looks so familiar. . .

Honesty Is...

Following is my 10-year-old daughter's description of honesty. After reading it, I was amazed at her insight and understanding. Quite honestly, she understands honesty more than most of us adults. Enjoy!

Honesty is the color of orange like a burning hot fire.
It tastes like sweet, melted sugar in your mouth.
It smells like a beautiful chrysanthemum in the open spring field.

For fun, it likes to jump into people's heads and remind them to be honest.
When children lie to their parents, it gets angry.
It becomes sad when lies develop in people's hearts.
But when someone is honest even when it's hard, that makes it happy.

Honesty is smaller than trust because you need to trust somebody to be honest.
But it is bigger than love because you need to be honest to love somebody.
Lying is its enemy.
But forgiveness is its friend.

Honesty keeps truthfulness in a secret place, for friendships are ruined with lies.
Its favorite place is in an honest person's heart.
But it hates to be in the middle of a sabotaged friendship.
Fixing a friendship with truthfulness is its greatest success.
But when friends lie to each other, that is its greatest failure.

Honesty makes me feel happy and knows that I am trustworthy.

Talking to Your Kids about Relationships

Last month, a local high school girl was shot accidentally by her brother. The bullet was intended for his girlfriend. And, several months ago, a 22-year-old college student was murdered by her boyfriend. It seems like daily we hear or read something about teen dating violence and the tragedy that can unfold. Given the fact that one in three young people experience dating violence in their lifetimes, this should not be surprising.

Still, something has to be done to prevent this violence. As parents, we cannot stick our heads in the sand and hope it doesn’t happen to our kids. Statistically speaking, it is a very real possibility regardless of how “healthy” our home lives may be.

It should come as no surprise that boys and girls are not born knowing right and wrong behaviors -- especially when it comes to friendships, relationships and dating. Just as we teach them how to have everything from good table manners to grateful hearts, we also must help them establish healthy relationships. And it needs to begin BEFORE they actually start dating.

Following are ten ideas on how to talk with your kids about relationships. The list is not exhaustive, but it should get you started.

Initiate the conversation. If you wait on your child to ask questions, the topic may never come up. Remember, talking about relationships is hard for adults. Imagine what it’s like for kids!

Use current events, an incident at school or a favorite television program as an opener for a chat. Ask for your child’s opinions and listen closely to his or her answers. Try not to lecture or criticize, but instead create an open environment where he or she feels safe expressing honest feelings.

Don’t let locker room talk, slumber parties, television and Judy Blume books be the only source of information. Reveal the unspoken rules of relationships. Give your kids clear examples of appropriate manners. Talk to them about expectations about how they present themselves to others and conduct themselves in relationships.

Teach assertiveness. Teaching children to state their feelings, opinions, desires and reactions clearly is one of the best things a parent can do. Look for opportunities where kids can practice making their feelings known. For example, empower them to tell others if they do not want to do something. Let them know it is OK to say to a friend who is being disrespectful “I would like for you to leave now,” or to tell a friend “I’d rather stay home and study rather than meet you at the mall.”

Make sure they know the good and the bad about relationships. Most kids view dating romantically. They are excited and hope their relationships will be filled with only happiness. Be supportive of these expectations, but also prepare them for the normal ups and downs. Be sure they also know that bad things can happen. Make it clear that violence, abuse and forced physical activity is never acceptable and not a normal part of a relationship. Give them suggestions on how to get out of bad situations … (examples include: “I’m not comfortable with this” or “Can we talk about this?”)

Teach kids to be respectful during disagreements (and to expect respect in return). Explain that it is not realistic that everyone get along all the time. Disagreements are normal. Nor is it realistic that everyone is likeminded or has the same opinions. However, when friends or partners disagree they need to be respectful. Name-calling, blaming or insulting another person is not respectful. Not only should they treat others respectfully, but they also should surround themselves with respectful people. Relationships with disrespectful people are not healthy relationships.

Teach kids how to problem-solve. Tough situations while your kids are young are valuable teaching moments. When confronted with a difficult situation, talk to your child about it. Ask him or her to think about what exactly happened and what may have caused the situation. Then, ask for other ways in which the issue could have been resolved. Discuss the consequences of each situation. Doing this while kids are young will help them deal with issues down the road.

Compare healthy behaviors with unhealthy behaviors. Many children like things to go their way. But it is important for them to learn that this cannot always be the case. It can be tempting for children to try to “control” a situation through manipulation, bargaining, demanding and even bullying to get their way. These behaviors are unhealthy. Meanwhile healthy alternatives would be to negotiate, problem solve and collaborate. Additionally, some kids are naturally sensitive and caring. As a result, they may try to fix or change other kids by being extra kind or loving to them. While it is important to be loving and kind, a child needs to learn that they have no control over another person and they cannot “change” people.

Explain the “danger zone.” Help your kids understand the warning signs of potentially unhealthy relationships such as jealousy and constant texting or calling. Teach your kids that any act of abuse or violence is a bad sign and the relationship should be ended – even if the other person apologizes and promises to never do it again. Make sure they know that abuse and violence repeats over and over in a relationship and does not improve over time. (see link to Beyond Bruises blog for a complete list of warning signs.)

Establish a guideline of “no secrets.” Explain the difference between special shared memories and secrets. Secrets usually are an indication that something needs to be “hidden” from others and hiding things is not healthy. Additionally, secrecy can isolate people from family and friends and is not acceptable. In fact, relationships with a lot of secrecy usually contain a lot of manipulation and hurtful behaviors. Teach your kids that being strong means not trying to handle things on their own, but in having the courage to tell parents, teachers or counselors about things going on their lives.