Talking to Your Kids about Relationships

Last month, a local high school girl was shot accidentally by her brother. The bullet was intended for his girlfriend. And, several months ago, a 22-year-old college student was murdered by her boyfriend. It seems like daily we hear or read something about teen dating violence and the tragedy that can unfold. Given the fact that one in three young people experience dating violence in their lifetimes, this should not be surprising.

Still, something has to be done to prevent this violence. As parents, we cannot stick our heads in the sand and hope it doesn’t happen to our kids. Statistically speaking, it is a very real possibility regardless of how “healthy” our home lives may be.

It should come as no surprise that boys and girls are not born knowing right and wrong behaviors -- especially when it comes to friendships, relationships and dating. Just as we teach them how to have everything from good table manners to grateful hearts, we also must help them establish healthy relationships. And it needs to begin BEFORE they actually start dating.

Following are ten ideas on how to talk with your kids about relationships. The list is not exhaustive, but it should get you started.

Initiate the conversation. If you wait on your child to ask questions, the topic may never come up. Remember, talking about relationships is hard for adults. Imagine what it’s like for kids!

Use current events, an incident at school or a favorite television program as an opener for a chat. Ask for your child’s opinions and listen closely to his or her answers. Try not to lecture or criticize, but instead create an open environment where he or she feels safe expressing honest feelings.

Don’t let locker room talk, slumber parties, television and Judy Blume books be the only source of information. Reveal the unspoken rules of relationships. Give your kids clear examples of appropriate manners. Talk to them about expectations about how they present themselves to others and conduct themselves in relationships.

Teach assertiveness. Teaching children to state their feelings, opinions, desires and reactions clearly is one of the best things a parent can do. Look for opportunities where kids can practice making their feelings known. For example, empower them to tell others if they do not want to do something. Let them know it is OK to say to a friend who is being disrespectful “I would like for you to leave now,” or to tell a friend “I’d rather stay home and study rather than meet you at the mall.”

Make sure they know the good and the bad about relationships. Most kids view dating romantically. They are excited and hope their relationships will be filled with only happiness. Be supportive of these expectations, but also prepare them for the normal ups and downs. Be sure they also know that bad things can happen. Make it clear that violence, abuse and forced physical activity is never acceptable and not a normal part of a relationship. Give them suggestions on how to get out of bad situations … (examples include: “I’m not comfortable with this” or “Can we talk about this?”)

Teach kids to be respectful during disagreements (and to expect respect in return). Explain that it is not realistic that everyone get along all the time. Disagreements are normal. Nor is it realistic that everyone is likeminded or has the same opinions. However, when friends or partners disagree they need to be respectful. Name-calling, blaming or insulting another person is not respectful. Not only should they treat others respectfully, but they also should surround themselves with respectful people. Relationships with disrespectful people are not healthy relationships.

Teach kids how to problem-solve. Tough situations while your kids are young are valuable teaching moments. When confronted with a difficult situation, talk to your child about it. Ask him or her to think about what exactly happened and what may have caused the situation. Then, ask for other ways in which the issue could have been resolved. Discuss the consequences of each situation. Doing this while kids are young will help them deal with issues down the road.

Compare healthy behaviors with unhealthy behaviors. Many children like things to go their way. But it is important for them to learn that this cannot always be the case. It can be tempting for children to try to “control” a situation through manipulation, bargaining, demanding and even bullying to get their way. These behaviors are unhealthy. Meanwhile healthy alternatives would be to negotiate, problem solve and collaborate. Additionally, some kids are naturally sensitive and caring. As a result, they may try to fix or change other kids by being extra kind or loving to them. While it is important to be loving and kind, a child needs to learn that they have no control over another person and they cannot “change” people.

Explain the “danger zone.” Help your kids understand the warning signs of potentially unhealthy relationships such as jealousy and constant texting or calling. Teach your kids that any act of abuse or violence is a bad sign and the relationship should be ended – even if the other person apologizes and promises to never do it again. Make sure they know that abuse and violence repeats over and over in a relationship and does not improve over time. (see link to Beyond Bruises blog for a complete list of warning signs.)

Establish a guideline of “no secrets.” Explain the difference between special shared memories and secrets. Secrets usually are an indication that something needs to be “hidden” from others and hiding things is not healthy. Additionally, secrecy can isolate people from family and friends and is not acceptable. In fact, relationships with a lot of secrecy usually contain a lot of manipulation and hurtful behaviors. Teach your kids that being strong means not trying to handle things on their own, but in having the courage to tell parents, teachers or counselors about things going on their lives.